Obstacles

Today was the first day I felt I was going to have a panic attack in a long time. I have been doing really well lately with managing my anxiety and feeling calm and at ease, but today I almost got pushed over my limit. A million things seemed to be happening at once and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I know it was an overreaction, but most panic attacks come from overreacting. I felt like I was going to burst into tears, I had trouble breathing, and I felt like I had lost control over everything.

I immediately went to my special place in town that always calms me down. It’s the gazebo out by the lagoon close to my university’s campus. I stretched out under the awning on the bench and counted twenty deep breaths, what I always do when I meditate. It helped a little, but it took awhile for me to calm myself down. I still felt tense as I gripped the steering wheel driving back to the office.

I don’t see this as regression, but merely a reminder that I constantly have to keep myself in check. Getting your stuff together is a daily process and struggle, and today tested that for me. That’s what I see it as – a test. It also made me realize that I may need extra work.

I haven’t meditated in a couple of days, so this could definitely be a cause of this issue I was having today. I definitely plan on taking some time for that in the morning.

Tomorrow is a new day.

- Kelsey

The journey, not the destination

I've realized lately that once in awhile, you have to be okay with feeling a little lost.


This came to mind when I had a bit of an epiphany a few days ago. I realized that the internship I've been doing all summer has taught me one very important thing: This is not what I want to do with my life.


Needless to say, that thought terrified me. My mind immediately went into a whirlwind of questions like "Is this really what I'm meant to do? Am I in the right field? What am I going to do with my life?" Questions that no 21-year-old wants to ever consider.


But I think it's a good thing. It's better to realize this now than to get stuck in a job later on that will never fulfill me. At first I was scared, thinking "Well, is it back to square one now?" But it's not. I know I'm in the right field. Now, I need to figure out how to utilize my passions into a career for myself.


At the end of the day, you shouldn't be afraid to question what you're doing and what you want to do. Just know that one day, you will discover what makes your heart sing.


This next (and last) year of school is going to be a game-changer for me, I believe.


- Kelsey

fear and anger

I guess you could say that fear and anger are two of my biggest vices, especially these days. I wouldn’t say that the textbook definition of “vices” applies fully to these, but they definitely affect me more than any other emotion and are the most detrimental to my psyche.

It’s absurd how much fear can hold us back. We’re all afraid of something … A lot of people are afraid of being honest, afraid of telling people how they truly feel, afraid of rejection … the list goes on and on. One of my biggest fears is telling people how I feel. It’s hard for me because I’m afraid, honestly. I’m afraid of how people will react to what I say, regardless of what it is. I’m afraid of the outcome. And it’s holding me back and keeping me from doing things that will make me the happiest.

One of my favorite lines from a John Mayer song I love is “If fear hasn’t killed me yet, then nothing will.” Preach, man. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. Fear certainly hasn’t killed me yet, so I must be all right. And if it hasn’t killed me, then you’re probably just fine. Trust me.

The thing is, most fears are irrational. You can’t spend your life being afraid to tell people how you feel, because if you never do, how will you know? How will you know that what you’re feeling is real? More importantly, how will you be able to live through your life with no regrets if you can’t push aside your fear to try something? Possibly one of my favorite quotes of all time (by Louis E. Boone) is this:

“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.”

I couldn’t be a bigger proponent of these words. It’s so true. If you live your life in fear, you’re going to die with a lot of regret in your soul. Regrets are mistakes you didn’t learn from. That’s scarier than any fear you could have.

“No fear is the ultimate joy. When you have the insight of no fear, you are free.”

I’m working on being more honest with people because of this. It’s a daily struggle, but with patience and time comes virtue.

And then there’s anger. I have had so much anger for a while because of feeling mistreated by others, and it’s so tough to eliminate from your life. The thing is, anger is like poison for your soul. When you’re angry and react in an angry way to others, not only are you giving them complete power over your emotions, but also you’re giving yourself more heartache than them. That’s an awful way to live.

“If we really understood and remembered that life was impermanent, we would do everything we could to make the other person happy right there and right now. If we spend twenty-four hours being angry at our beloved, it is because we are ignorant of impermanence.”

Life is too short to spend it angry. Anger is inevitable, but learning to control it and not give the power to anyone else is necessary to live a fulfilled life.

I’ve discovered something lately that has helped me tremendously with fear and anger. Meditation. I’ve begun meditating every morning when I wake up, and I can already tell it’s changing the way I handle my emotions. It makes me calmer, it brings some serenity to my otherwise hectic life, and more importantly, it gives me a sense of clarity. It’s teaching me how to control my thoughts and turning negative emotions into positive ones. I highly recommend giving it a try; it’s completely worth it. In my opinion, we should do anything we can to help keep our minds at ease.

Just some food for thought, anyway. :)

- Kelsey

You are in control.

Something I want to talk about today: being in control of your life and cutting out the negative aspects.

I think it’s interesting that so many people complain about having negativity in their lives and being miserable all the time, when they seem to forget one tiny factor of this world.

You are in control of your own life.

Obviously, there are some things that we go through that we can’t help. It’s okay to feel down and out when bad things happen in your life, but a lot of miserable feelings and sadness can be so easily avoided if you know how to deal with it.

Honestly, there is no excuse for keeping a lot of negativity in your life. The thing is, people seem to forget that they are in complete control. You CAN control the things in your life that are negatively affecting you. If something in your life is bringing you down, cut it out. Have a toxic relationship with a “friend?” You’ve got to cut them out of your life. It’s unhealthy to keep people around who bring you down. Keeping positive and uplifting people surrounding you can make your world immensely brighter. Learning how to cut people out of your life is one of the most vital and difficult life lessons you will ever learn, and the sooner you allow yourself to do it, the better.

I realized recently that some people in my life were toxic, so I’ve been cutting them out of it a little bit at a time. It’s easier to do with people who aren’t very close to you, but it’s hard to do when it’s someone you’ve been friends with for a while. I still haven’t figured out how to do that fully, but luckily I haven’t encountered many problems like that with people close to me.

But there are some other things in your life that are much easier to cut out. For instance, I realized that staying on Facebook constantly was keeping me down, which may be hard to believe. But every time I log on, something manages to make me angry or bring me down. I either see posts that frustrate me, posts that make me feel bad about myself, or sad things going on in the world. So, I decided to deactivate it for a while. I haven’t logged on for roughly 4-5 days and I’ve felt much more relaxed and positive because of it. The phrase, “out of sight, out of mind” comes to mind when I think about this.

Keeping negative things in your life is detrimental to your wellbeing. There are so many aspects of this world that can bring us down, and it’s up to us to flow along with it or go against it. I highly recommend the latter.